Fetish, Kink or Taste?

I’ve never understood why people shy away from BDSM, but these days I suspect it’s because of the reputation it seems to have garnered.

The Max Mosely case is a particular instance where prurience has been disingenuously justified by the so-called public interest of his Nazi play.. Grief, just because the man has no judgement doesn’t mean the details of his sexual encounters need to be splashed across the papers, but I suppose titillation sells.

The BDSM online communities seems to pride themselves on being ‘pervs’, ‘depraved’ or ‘kinky’, to me one persons kink is another person’s perversion and in the end as long as it’s consenting adults then we have no reason to comment or take issue.

By identifying themselves as a minority (and a remarkably large one at that) it becomes more exciting and defining, yet with the current attitude to BDSM I don’t blame them for banding together and just like a trainspotters club it is a useful way to meet others with similar tastes.

In the so-called ‘vanilla’ world, it’s ok to economically enslave a woman to be your unpaid baby maker, housekeeper and cook (even today, sigh), to encourage her to have body issue problems through the use of unrealistic images in the media, to have her surgically adjust her body to enhance her *ahem* ‘attributes’, to have her dress in uncomfortable ‘fashionable’ clothing and wear high heels that are bad for the spine, to rape and know that the chances of conviction are virtually infinitesimal…

Yet it’s not ok for her to wear a collar or be a willing submissive to a man she believes is stronger than her, to enslave a man who feels psychologically complete when he is controlled by another or to indulge in sexual activities that hover over that line between pleasure and pain.

.. and the difference between the two is?? Don’t ask me, I can’t see it.

There are some S&M activities that I admit I just don’t get. If someone gets a thrill from being trussed up like a chicken and punched hard, who am I to judge? As long as I don’t have to witness it and it’s between consenting adults I have no grounds for complaint.

For those of you who don’t know, kinks are the harmless cousins of fetishes.. A kink is when you dress in a way, or do an activity, that you enjoy and makes you feel aroused. A fetish is when you need that particular dress or activity to become aroused or to orgasm.

Most people have kinks, some people have fetishes. As long as all participants are freely consenting, there is no cause for concern.

I see all kinks as tastes. I loathe mushrooms with a passion and hate cold, wet climates and I know people who are exactly the opposite. You want to go white-water rafting? Fine, I’ll be waiting in the cafe at the end.

Not liking the same things doesn’t make any of us strange, just different. If everyone liked the same thing the world would be an impossibly boring place.

You have a taste for a strong man sweeping you off your feet and making you his? You feel you need a spanking after a hard day at the office (and there are many physiological reasons why this is pleasurable) then what’s wrong with that? Have a taste for impossibly high heels and a bit of rough handling? (don’t laugh, I’ve seen men in heels who have a very attractive calf… ), staring at the anatomically enhanced page 3 girl with lust, or admiring those short skirts and high heels on your girlfriend? You prefer it when your partner rides you rather than the missionary? Like to be stroked all over as a prelude to a more intimate encounter? Enjoy your partner sitting on your face or begging for release?

These are all elements of our sexual self and are acceptable human behaviours, so don’t let anyone tell you different. Your tastes and fetishes are your own, they help define and enrich you, BDSM just adds a few more layers of sensation to those elements. Nothing more.

How you explore your interests inworld is another matter. Inworld the pure S&M element is more prevalent.. more violent and degrading, less imaginative and certainly more limited in the tools used and scenes played. Capture is bigger in SL than in the real world and D/s has a serious following.

The scene in SL is a combination of the serious, the wannabes and the curious and has developed it’s own culture. Predominantly sexual and sometimes incredibly strong in the psychological, it can be a heady mix and isn’t for the faint hearted.

For those of you who wish to explore it within the confines of your current sl relationship, the hardest thing is the lack of physical sensation to give you the feedback. BDSM is wonderfully physical as well as mental, so if you find yourself shivering from a frisson as you play it out inworld, you may find yourself even more attracted to it in real life..

So yes, BDSM probably should come with a health warning

And for those of you who are tutting over me glossing over the more extreme elements of the scene.. yes they exist, and for the purposes of this post I’m ignoring it. The vast majority of BDSM experiences aren’t at the violent extreme.. although in here you’d be forgiven for thinking it

Stay Safe

Cee